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AHN Interview:
Nancee Sobonya, creator of the documentary film, The Gifts of Grief
"Many times grief unmasks us and we are stripped down to our real, vulnerable self... As the loss burns and the waves of grief crash through them, some people discover something inside themselves that they never knew existed -- a depth of compassion, of understanding, of strength and courage, a connection with humanity." -Nancee Sobonya
Nancee Sobanya
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Nancee Sobonya is a filmmaker, teacher, and bereavement counselor who has just produced her first documentary called The Gifts of Grief. Since she was a young girl, Nancee "felt a calling to serve in the healing and teaching traditions." For the past twenty years, she has worked in the field of death and bereavement, including spending seventeen years as the Bereavement Outreach Coordinator at Pathways Hospice. She also teaches at Starr King School of Ministry, and is a minister of the Ridhwan School of Spiritual Development, guiding people on their inner journey of self discovery.
With her documentary The Gifts of Grief, Nancee has found another conduit to help those experiencing death and loss. The film shares the compelling personal stories of several people who experienced deep loss including Isabel Allende, Alana Lorraine, and the Reverend Cecil Williams. The film invites us to open to pain, learn from loss, and remember the preciousness of life. Danny Hobson interviewed Nancee in the fall of 2005 about filmmaking, creativity, and healing from loss.
Danny Hobson: Tell me about the creation of The Gifts of Grief. What inspired you to make this documentary film?
Nancee Sobonya: My intention was to make a film that invites us to experience the universality of loss in a real and personal way through the intimate stories of people facing remarkable losses. I also wanted to create an artful film that was not just another educational or traditional documentary, but a film with beauty, space and moments to reflect on and take in what is being communicated. My hope is that this film inspires and gently invites the viewer to open to their own grief, embrace the pain, and discover for themselves the extraordinary possibilities their own losses may reveal.
Working with people in grief has been an honor and privilege for me. Many times grief unmasks us, and we are stripped down to our real, vulnerable self. I've been inspired by people's courage to embrace their grief and find some way to ride the storming waves of loss. As the loss burns and the waves of grief crash through them some people discover something inside themselves that they never knew existed -- a depth of compassion, of understanding, of strength and courage, a connection with humanity. This has always inspired me, and I wanted to share with others this great gift I have been given through my work with people in grief.
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Danny: What was the process like of making the film, and how did you find the people you interviewed?
 Nancee: The film was a rich and challenging four year process. This film feels like a culmination of all of my years in grief work. When I realized I was the one to make this documentary, I began studying film at the Film Arts Foundation (FAF) in San Francisco and have continued there for the past four years.
Being a grief counselor, it was not difficult to find people to interview. I asked my colleagues and looked around the various groups I was involved and found twenty people over a period of two and a half years. Isabel Allende gave the sermon at our church one Sunday and spoke of her daughter's death. I wrote to her asking her to be a part of the film which she graciously accepted. Loretta Huahn's husband had been in our Hospice program years back, and I met her in a grief group. I had no intention of interviewing anyone who experienced a loss during the 9/11 tragedy, and then I met Kenner Stross in one of the film classes at FAF. I had been following the films of Lee Mun Wah for years when I bumped into him at a service held for 9/11 and told him about my project, he then told me of his journey through the violent death of his mother. Alana Lorraine sang in the Glide Ensemble with myself and Roosevelt who died of AIDS. He was a dear friend to us both, and Cecil Williams, of course, was the pastor of our church, and so it went on like this.
Danny: Could you share one of the highlights of the process? And one of the challenges?
Nancee: The highlight of creating the film was the interviews. It was wonderful to spend such real, raw and meaningful time with each person. The challenge throughout the process was financial. I had to find enough funds between my own personal contributions and fundraising efforts to continue making the film. I attempted numerous grants but was turned down for being a first time filmmaker. This is the main reason the film took four years to complete. Though looking back, the film really matured over this period of time.
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Danny: How do you sustain the good creative work you are doing even in the face of challenges, both creative and financial?
Nancee: My spiritual practice has sustained me throughout my creative work. Staying in contact with essential presence and being steadfast has allowed me to draw on all the resources necessary when facing the financial, emotional and creative obstacles of my projects. I'm tremendously grateful and humbled by the truth of this. I have had the feeling at times that grace has carried me along. As well as the incredible support financially, creatively and emotionally from my dear friends, family and a wonderful network of people who have believed in this project from its inception.
Danny: Filmmaking is a very collaborative art form. Could you speak a little about the process of collaboration in making The Gifts of Grief.
 Nancee: I learned very quickly from my film courses -- when in doubt -- hire the best, and I was very fortunate to find some wonderfully skilled people to assist me in making this film. Vicente Franco is an incredible cinematographer. He brought such visual beauty to the film. My primary editor was Bob Goss who had worked on Mun Wah's film The Color of Fear, another dialogue-driven, educational film about a sensitive subject, so he was perfect for this film. He also was open to mentoring my partner, Ted Seymour, who took on half of the editing job.
We met every week for over a year as a very creative and collaborative team, working and reworking all the footage to express the vision I had. We were a wonderful team. We were really able to spark off each other and take the project forward without a lot of conflict or creative clashing. We definitely found a groove that worked for us and respected each other's gifts and insights.
We also screened the film at a number of house parties and fundraisers. This feedback was essential in helping us to better understand the reactions people were having to the film and enabling us to make a film which was sensitive to people with widely varying experiences of grief.
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Danny: How has the film been received so far?
Nancee: The film has been wonderfully received. I have screened it twice in the San Francisco Bay Area (another screening is coming up in Marin County at the end of October) and presented it at international conferences on grief, death and hospice this summer. Each time I screen it, people open up and share their own experiences of loss. It is quite a special time together speaking from such a real, heart-full human place and listening to both the unique and universal experiences of grief.
The film speaks to such a universal, timeless issue and so many tragedies and losses have touched us in these last few years. I am hoping to find funds to create a guidebook to go with the film, funds that will assist distributing it to all churches, schools, hospitals, libraries, universities and hospices throughout the country and into the homes of each person who has known loss.
Danny: Do you believe art can heal?
Nancee: I believe art that heals touches us on a universal level, speaking to the heart, soul and psyche of being human. It gives voice, shape, color, and sound to our pain, love, joy and patterns, speaking often to what we cannot say. I feel art can inspire and wake us up to our truest nature that then can heal and move us toward greater wholeness.
Danny: Was the process of making the film healing for you and those who participated in it?
 Nancee: Yes, in making this film I rediscovered that "who I am" is my gift of grief, my unique unfoldment, capacities and contributions to this world have been so perfectly and personally shaped through my experiences of love and loss. I'm realizing this on a much deeper level than I ever have before and feel myself in a new place of even greater expansion -- full of potential and creativity. Stay tuned -- there is more to come.
Ted feels he is often touched still whenever he watches the film. As he says, "There's almost always something new -- depending what I'm ready for -- always some place that touches me differently than the last time I watched it. The guidepost for all of us was -- did we get moved by it and letting our own sensitivity be the guide for making this film."
And Bob, he had a very intimate experience of grief. His father died rather suddenly while we were making the film. For sometime he couldn't work on it, because the loss was too close, but over time a deeper appreciation and sensitivity of grief emerged through him and he had renewed energy and new insights to bring to the film. It was quite stunning to watch the gifts of grief unfolding in front of us through him.
Danny: Could you offer some words of wisdom to those going through an experience of loss and grief?
Nancee: Allow yourself to be open to grief, let it wash through you, ride the waves of pain. It often doesn't go away when we try to stop or deny our grief -- the pain keeps coming. Grief is a process with a beginning, middle and end -- give yourself the time and permission to let grief move through you, touch you, teach you, grow you. It is a natural part of life -- listen to its deepest meaning. If your pain needs to speak -- give it ways to creatively express itself through words, art, colors, music, writing or service.
And remember you are not alone in your grief -- our losses are like threads connecting our hearts to the one heart of being human. I've heard it said "When we are hungry, we eat; when we are thirsty, we drink; and when we love, we grieve." Allow yourself to feel both your love and your loss together, they are not separate. Sometimes we do not know the depth of our love until that moment of separation. I encourage you -- do not forget the love.
Danny: What advice do you have for others who would like to use creativity as a healing catalyst?
Nancee: Give yourself time for reflection and listen to what deeply moves and touches you. Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, to be touched by life often points to what's in need of healing in ourselves. Being open and present to our own healing seems to bring a sensitivity and aliveness to the soul that often cannot help but be expressed creatively.
The next public screening of The Gifts of Grief will be held at Unity in Marin, 600 Palm Drive, Hamilton Center, Novato, CA on October 28, 2005 from 7-9pm. For more information about this event, about Nancee Sobonya, or about The Gifts of Grief film, please visit www.giftsofgrief.com
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FEATURED BOOK:
Writing to Heal the Soul: Transforming Grief and Loss Through Writing
By Susan Zimmermann
 "With writing, we honor the extent of our losses. We give details, we exaggerate, we express our pain, we share our greatest fears. Through writing, we discover unexpected particles or truth that light our path; we move through our grief mindfully, in a way that allows us to comprehend and integrate the experience into our lives." -Susan Zimmermann
This is a very thoughtful and touching book about writing to heal loss and grief. Each chapter begins with a moving story and finishes with clear, easy to follow exercises. Susan Zimmermann writes beautifully, sharing openly about her own loss and recovery through writing. Zimmermann turned to writing to help heal from the pain and loss of having her daughter, Kat, born with a neurological disorder that rendered her unable to walk or talk. It was through the writing process that she learned, "Katherine was put here for a noble purpose. Her raison d'etre has been to teach about unconditional love, and strength and grace come from accepting others exactly as they are..." Zimmermann's first book, a memoir entitled Grief Dancers, shares the full story of her healing journey. With Writing to Heal the Soul, Zimmermann has created a guidebook for anyone wanting to release, move on, learn from, grow beyond, and transform the challenges of life -- be they losing a job, the death of a loved one, illness, or any other loss. This book is a wonderful key to help you unlock your inner feelings and get them on the page, so that healing can begin. Writing to Heal the Soul is a softcover, 185-page book and was published by the River Press in 2002. Please click here to order through Amazon.com. To visit the author's web site, go to www.susanzimmermann.com.
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The following is an excerpt from Writing to Heal the Soul: Transforming Grief and Loss Through Writing (pages 39-40):
 We live in a fix-it culture. We want quick solutions to complex problems -- Motrin for a back ache, Prozac for a bad day. But what happens when we confront something we can't fix? What happens when something we don't choose, chooses us? I tried for years to fix Kat. I was bound and determined to retrieve my perfect baby. It literally took the soul-searching process of writing Grief Dancers for me to realize that I could never fix Kat and, what's more, that was OK.
We want to make things right, to take care of those dear to us, to keep them from harm. But we can do only what we can do. Beyond that, we have to trust in some greater power. We have to move beyond our hopes and dreams to a place of acceptance. And we have to realize that true, gut-level acceptance is an act of courage.
In Man's Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl writes, "We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in numbers, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man, but one thing: the last of the human freedoms -- to choose one's attitude at any given set of circumstances, to choose one's way."
In other words, even imprisoned in the most evil place imaginable, living in monstrous and brutal conditions, with all freedoms removed, we nonetheless retain the ultimate freedom: the power to choose our response to our circumstances. No one can take away that power, no matter how extreme the pain and loss. We can choose to be broken by the loss of a child, or we can celebrate that child's time on earth. We can choose to be bitter about a cancer diagnosis or we can choose to learn everything we can about life from this experience. We can bemoan the loss of a job, or we can view it as an opportunity to try something new. It is not that life is without tragedies. It is that tragedies are a part of a life, and life goes on regardless of how we choose to respond to our personal losses.
Exercise: The Unfixable
Is there something in your life you can't fix? Write about it. Write about all the things you did to try and fix it. Write about how you felt about not being able to fix it. Did you get angry, bitter, numb? There aren't "right" ways to respond to a life loss, but you do need to be honest and look deeply at how you chose -- and are today choosing -- to react to the circumstances thrown your way. Begin with "I tried everything in my power..."
Exercise: What You Can and Cannot Control
Change gears. Now write about what is/was in your control and what is/was not. (I can look for a new job, get excellent medical care, go to family counseling, create a special support system; I cannot cure my husband's cancer, force my lover to get therapy, fix my child's brain, stop my company from downsizing.). Begin with "I can..." List everything you can do. Then shift to "I cannot..." List everything that you cannot do.
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FEATURED BOOK:
Giving a Voice to Sorrow: Personal Responses to Death and Mourning
By Steve Zeitlin and Ilana Harlow
 This book offers a lovely and moving account of the different ways people come to terms with grief and loss -- using storytelling, personal ritual, and memorials to commemorate, honor, and heal. The book begins with an extended chapter devoted to the story of Jesse, a teenager dying of cancer and the creative ways he, his family and community honored this process through actions such as building a sauna, a totem pole, and other rituals. The book continues sharing stories such as the artist who creates commemorative quilts, the mother whose stillborn child was honored through a womenıs ceremony, and the children who helped their aging father create the casket of his dreams so that he could feel that he had a safe haven for his body when he passed. Overall this is a wonderful examination of how, despite our culture's silence (and sometimes shame) around death and loss, people are finding very creative and inspiring ways to face and embrace death as part of life.
Giving a Voice to Sorrow was published in 2001 as a 224-page paperback by Perigee. Click here to order through Amazon.com. It is also available through City Lore, City Lore, 72 E. First St., New York, NY 10003. 212-529-1955.
The following is an excerpt from Giving Voice to Sorrow (page 62):
Creating A Place for the Dead
The coffin of CB King, Esq., a prominent black Civil Right attorney who represented Martin Luther King Jr. among others, reflected his modesty. "It was so much him," his daughter told us. "His whole image of exiting this world was really about the elegance of simplicity -- being simply buried in something that is crafted by your children."
When Peggy King-Jorde and her brother made their father's coffin, at his request, she felt she was creating a safe place that would embrace him. As she describes, "I have such a wonderful memory of crafting the coffin. Maybe because it was such a beautiful day. What I remember was that it was it was just so satisfying. I felt like I was creating this very safe environment for my father. I knew he wasnıt really in his shell anymore, but there was just something very satisfying about creating this safe place for him. And then after we completed it, our family enjoyed knowing that, 'Okay, now we're ready to sort of let go.'"
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FEATURED LINK:
Todd Hochberg
www.toddhochberg.com
Since 1997, Todd Hochberg has been making photographs for parents experiencing perinatal loss, as they say goodbye to their babies at the Advocate Lutheran General Hospital in Chicago, IL. As Todd explains, "I work to create photographs that can serve as a gentle link to memories and feelings pertaining to the precious short time spent with their baby... I am invited in based on parents' openness to the bereavement options offered to them... Parents find that the photographs help create a physical, emotional and spiritual history for them. Having these photographs to hold through their grief helps facilitate healing. They are at once an affirmation of parenthood and a confirmation of the death of their baby. Parents also use the images to tell their 'story' of loss to family and friends thereby fostering greater understanding and support." To learn more about this powerful work, please visit www.toddhochberg.com.
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AHN SPECIAL FEATURE:
Hurricane Katrina Resources
The following links offer examples of how artists and arts organizations can and are engaged in helping bring relief to those affected by Hurricane Katrina. If you know of other resources, please email them to ahn@artheals.org and we will publish them next month.
Americans for the Arts Emergency Relief Fund
www.AmericansFortheArts.org/EmergencyRelief
Americans for the Arts has just established this new permanent fund developed to provide timely financial assistance to victims of a major disaster for the purpose of helping them rebuild the arts in their community.
ArtBiz Connection: Artists Help with Hurricane Katrina Relief
http://www.artbizconnection.com/artistshelping/
This web page offers suggestions and tools for artists who would like to sponsor a Hurricane Katrina Relief art sale or performance. It includes seven free tools as pdf files such as a Sample Press Release, an Artist Donation Agreement Form, and more.
Artists Helping Children: Raising Money for Art Supplies for Katrina Children
http://www.artistshelpingchildren.org/DONATEARTSUPPLIES.html
 They are currently raising money to send thousands of art supply products to the ICAF to provide art therapy to the children affected by the Hurricane Katrina.Disaster.
Arts Unite for Hurricane Relief
http://www.artshurricanerelief.org/
This is a networking site for artists and arts organizations who are working to suport hurricane relieve. Please send them your projects and they will include them in their online listing.
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 The Blanket Project
www.theblanketproject.com
The Blanket Project was created to convey support, concern and best wishes to the survivors of Katrina. The making of blankets and quilts is time-honored tradition in which love and care are stitched into an object which gives warmth, comfort, and shelter. Their goal is to create enough blankets to give one to everyone affected by Katrina.
Craft Emergency Fund
http://www.craftemergency.org/
The Craft Emergency Relief Fund (CERF) is working to connect with the craft artists, galleries and others in the craft community in the areas affected by Katrina. A section of their website is dedicated to current information about the status of craft art in the Katrina area and how one can be of help. CERF also offer emergency funding to craft artists.
Creative Help for Kids from 826 Valencia
http://www.826valencia.org/news/004076
This San Francisco-Based nonprofit, called 826 Valencia, sent 18 staff and volunteers to Houston to help by offering creative activites to young people displaced by Katrina, living in temporary housing and shelters. You can read their blog, by clicking here.
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READERS RESPOND
Please send us your thoughts and feedback on this issue of AHN News.
Was this issue of AHN News helpful and how?
Do you know other resources for healing from grief and loss?
Are there other topics you would like to see addressed in AHN News?
Please send your comments, ideas, and feedback to ahn@artheals.org.
Readers Respond to the September 2005 AHN News on Writing & Journaling:
"I am a writer who keeps a journal and works with a writers group who are in many ways intellectually impaired and are coping with new ways to express our lives. I paint and found that illustrations and drawings are helpful for conducting the writers group and sharing with the children that I teach."
-Tamara Safford
"I'm a new subscriber to AHN News. I've just been browsing the current issue on writing and journaling. What a great collection of resources! ...I teach a course on journaling and another one called "Writing for Discovery" which encourages students to embrace the writer within and explore writing as a way of discovery -- of themselves and their world. Many of my students are looking for books like Angeles Arrien's and Sarah Sloane's. So now I have some new resources to recommend. Writing truly is a healing art."
Carla Eardley
"I just read the article about journaling and can attest to its power. I help others in a unique way through art and journaling. I draw people (clients) in three poses using pastels or watercolor. When I am done, we sit and chat about the drawings...speak of the drawing and what they are feeling and possibly going through at that time... Most times my clients end up crying, usually tears of joy. I have drawn breast cancer survivors, woman saddened by miscarriages, woman with new babies, and those that just want to be seen for possibly the first time in their lives... I then type up what was said, the words, and send it to them to go with their drawings..."
-Nancy Ballard (www.nancyballard.artspan.com)
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